Finding Thanks

Hi friends! This post is completely different from my usual - no photos, no tips, no fashion. I just felt like writing about real life stuff; things that I haven't written about publicly, but I just felt it in me to share. 

 Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and what once was my favorite holiday, is now a day that I've been dreading.  There's always that obvious question you ask yourself and is asked by others, and that is "what are you thankful for?"  In all honesty, my initial answer to this question is that there isn't a whole lot I feel thankful for in 2016.

This year has been the worst year of my life, to be quite frank.  With my brother's passing in June, followed by my grandmother's in October, life for my family and me has drastically changed forever.  Things that used to seem important to me, just don't. My heart has been constantly aching for months, and I'm okay with that.  Right after Carson passed away, people would tell me, "this pain will go away," but I told myself that I didn't want it to. I wanted that pain of losing my brother to always stay with me because if it wasn't there anymore, then it would feel like him not being here is normal or okay, and it's not. So when I think about Carson not being at the Thanksgiving table, chomping his food loud enough for everyone to hear, it makes me cry just thinking about it.  Or when I think about how this is my first Thanksgiving without my Nana, it makes my heart hurt.

While I still have those feelings, I realized a couple of weeks ago that even though I don't feel like there's much to be thankful for, I am still incredibly blessed.  I'll never understand why God took Carson to Heaven when he did, but I'm thankful that He still provides me with comfort when I need it the most. I'm thankful for the strength that he has given my parents and sisters to get through these last few months. I'm thankful for the example he set before me with my grandparents- showing me what love really is after 61 years, in sickness and in health. I'm thankful that he meets every need for Justin and me, and because of that, we were able to buy our first home this year. And even though I miss Carson and my grandmother beyond words, I'm thankful that one day I will see them again- and that's what keeps me going every day. 

On a cheesy note, I'm also thankful for all of you.  Blogging started out as a fun hobby this past spring, but quickly turned into a much needed distraction.  Everyone's support has been overwhelming, and I can't thank you all enough! 

 So this holiday season, hug the ones you love a little longer and little tighter.

Happy Thanksgiving <3