When I started blogging last year, I told myself that I would be transparent with my readers; that I would share my life, be open, and authentic. Well, I don’t think I can say I’ve fully done that with you all, and for that, I’m sorry. At the beginning of the year, I started to plan my posts and knew that I wanted to incorporate more of “me” – I mean, it is my blog, right? I have so much fun writing about fashion, giving outfit inspiration, sharing beauty products, and recapping my travels – but that’s just a small snapshot of my life. So I’ve decided to share more of what’s going on with me- the good and the bad.
It hasn't been the easiest few weeks. I can't tell you how many times I said "I can't wait for 2017- I'm ready to be done with this year.” I knew that entering a new year wouldn't help anything; it wouldn't bring my brother back, but I just wanted out of 2016. When the new year arrived, though, my heart became even heavier. It's hard to explain, but it felt like leaving 2016 was leaving my brother behind; 2016 would be the last year that I hugged him, talked to him, laughed with him- I didn't want to leave that.
I have good and bad days. I can't explain the feeling of losing a sibling; there simply are no words of the pain you feel on a daily basis. It hasn’t gotten easier and I don't want it to; I refuse to let it feel “normal.” At some point throughout each day I experience anxiety, irritability, impatience, and mental/emotional exhaustion. It's something I still can't wrap my head around; something I still question and knowing that I'll never have the answer is the most unsettling feeling.
When Carson passed away, there was a flood of texts and calls and visitors- I knew that that would soon come to an end and that people would go on about their lives, and that's okay, because their lives hadn't changed. What I'm realizing, though, is that people seem to forget that life just isn't the same for me. I’m different now and always will be.
So these pictures that I post- the smiley, put together photos- those don't fully represent me right now. I struggle. I hurt. I cry. I try to give you all the best side of me, but that's hard to do sometimes. So hopefully you all will still follow along with me- through my good times and the bad.
Justin and I are heading to Park City, Utah on a ski trip this weekend, and I couldn't be more ready to get away with him. I think it will be nice to get some fresh air, explore a new place, and enjoy some much needed fun together. I hope you all have a great weekend, and I'm excited to share our trip recap with you all next week!