First of all, hi...hello...how are you, guys? Long time, no talk! If you've been wondering why it has been a little quiet here on Basically Bronwyn, that's what I'll be chatting about today. I'm just going to jump right in to this post because I have lots to say :)
Life. It's a beautiful, fun, amazing, adventurous, tricky, frustrating, overwhelming thing, isn't it? That's what happened this summer -life happened- and why I've been pretty MIA on the blog. No, nothing crazy terrible has happened. All I know is that for the past few months, I've struggled with navigating life decisions, and I just didn't have it in me to create content.
Writing With Purpose
As much as I love fashion, beauty, travel, and all the fun things I share on here, it can be a struggle to actually write about those things in every post. I was losing the motivation to create content because, to be honest, I didn't care that much about the substance. So why waste my time to write about it? I never want to share a "just because" post with you guys.
I felt that I had lost my purpose. Have I figured it out yet? No, not really. I'm just acknowledging that I want to write, and speak, and live with more purpose, so that's a start. Will I still share outfits and all the fun stuff? Absolutely! It's what I love and I don't want to lose that either.
Planning With A Purpose
Without a doubt, the number one question I get asked about is when Justin and I plan on having a baby. Everyone from our family, to complete strangers in the nail salon are curious about when we'll be starting a family. The problem is, I never really know how to answer that question. Soon? When the time is right?
A reoccurring problem with my answer to that question is usually the response of "well, you're not getting any younger" or "there will never be the right time." Words of encouragement, don't you think? :) I'm aware of my age, and I'm even more aware that there will never be a perfect time to have kids. I will say, however, that Justin and I can create the most opportune time to start a family.
If I'm being completely honest, the entire baby discussion turns me into an emotional wreck. I so badly want to be a mom; it's probably the only thing I truly wanted to be growing up. The thought of bringing a life into this world that's half Justin and half me literally brings me to tears as I write this; it will be such an amazing chapter for us! With that being said, it's also extremely terrifying. The thought of pregnancy, of giving birth, of actually raising a human in this world...it's overwhelming to even think about.
A few months ago Justin and I had a conversation about when we would start a family, and instantly my brain went into plan mode. Planning is great, but I so badly want everything to go a certain way, that even the thought of "the plan" not going "as planned" was devastating to me. Luckily, I have an amazing and caring husband who is incredibly patient with me and my OCD planning tendencies.
What I've realized and what I'm desperately trying to be content with, is that even if I wanted to plan out exactly when we would start a family, ultimately it is out of my hands. The unknown, the inability to control the outcome, and so much more emotionally cripples me with fear and anxiety. It's something I've been trying to work through, while at the same time, also trying to have a little more faith in myself and in God's plan for us.
Walking With Spiritual Purpose
To add insult to injury, I've unintentionally put my relationship with God on the back burner. I can fully admit that I let worldly things get in the way of my relationship with Him; I'll spend more time reading Instagram captions rather than scriptures. I don't think that makes me a bad Christian; I think it just makes me human.
In times when I should have been nourishing my relationship with Christ and talking to Him, especially through my emotional trials, I decided to shut down. So over the past several months in those times of fear, anxiety, and confusion, I should have been listening to the Word and to Him.
A couple of weeks ago I was having trouble falling asleep, so I started to pray but a few minutes into it, my prayers fell silent. In my spirit I just felt the Lord say "Speak to Me, and you will hear Me. Stay in the Word, and you will feel My presence." No truer words could've come over me in that moment, when they were needed the most.
I want, and clearly need, to continuously nourish and build my relationship with Christ. In those moments when I unintentionally walk away, I can feel it, even if I don't recognize it right away.
POSTING WITH PURPOSE
I wanted to share all of this today because it might shed some light into what I've been going through lately. I'm not trying to say that the past few months have been bad because they haven't. It's just what I've been navigating through emotionally and mentally. For me, it's finding a balance to accomplish everything I want to, with what I can realistically take on at one time.
A few takeaways from the past few months- I need to be kinder and more patient with myself. The unknown doesn't have to be a bad or scary thing; it can bring the greatest chapters yet to come. As much as I want to do it all, have it all, plan it all- I can't and that's okay! I need to give the things I cannot control over to God, and have faith that He will lead me down a purposeful path.